Monday, July 18, 2005

A-Mode: It isn't just for men anymore

I've always thought of myself as an independent woman - since my teenage years even. I was smart, strong-willed, and able to stand up to a father whose incessant yelling, bitching and criticism broke my mother years ago. I have been semi-successful in my professional life before and after returning to college to obtain my degree. BUT...my independence waivers when it comes to relationships - I have committed myself to men/guys/boys who didn't deserve a ride, let alone my heart, and I imagine that through it all, I have come out quite bitter in the end.

After several long committed relationships, I have yet to find my "knight in shining armor." Perhaps, 1) I should get over what my best friend refers to as "stupid girl syndrome" and drop the knight in shining armor fantasy - this ain't Disney, it ain't gonna happen! or 2) I should re-evaluate the person I am on the inside that is, apparently, repulsive to members of the opposite sex (see linked article).

Actually, I've never had trouble getting along with men, but it's the WAY I've gotten along with them that has made such a difference. I am a competitor - sports, work, and otherwise. I don't like to be wrong, and if I think I'm right, I'm not afraid to say so. This has enabled me to be 'buddy-buddy' with many male friends.

Also, I have often played into the role of "objectified woman" - making jokes about how small my chest is, or sexual innuendos that border on, or even cross the line of, flirtation. A few years ago, the tables were turned, and I got burned by an employer who did not know the meaning of the word "no." The timing of this coincided with me getting more in touch w/ my "feminist side" while in college, and manifested quite the disdain for men, particularly old, chauvinistic pigs who think they can do whatever they want because they are white men with the password to the good 'ole boys network.

So, now, I find it very difficult to be compassionate, understanding, and empathetic to the feelings of the male species. And, although I'm in a relationship, it has been the most difficult to maintain yet. My patience and understanding is overwrought with condescension and indignation; sometimes without reason. I wonder if I've been raised to be too independent; or if a woman's independence is at the expense of a real relationship. I either lose myself in the relationship, or lose the relationship in trying to stay myself. How does one possibly balance both?



1 comment:

NWise said...

Well I by any means am a Perfect Woman, that does not exist in this world! But my life of 29 years, has taught me alot, and I am still learning each day. I would just like to share some advice for this "intuitive woman", it sounds like you should try to find Forgiveness for your self and others that may have hurt you or burnt you. Not for them, but for your peace of mind! It sounds crazy but it really works and sets you free!! And in the meantime you can rest assure that bitterness and envy will not hinder your prograa in life, because of others. Thanks for sharing!