Friday, March 3, 2006

Confessions of Self Pity

Today I am incredibly blah. I'm so tired of feeling this way, yet I am not doing a very good job of getting a grip on myself or my life. Some thoughts running through my brain include:

I started this blog for myself, to write about things I'm going through and thoughts I have trouble sharing in real life. However, I'm finding it very difficult to do that. Much like in my attempts to keep a regular hand-written journal, I get writer's block from feeling like all I do is complain instead of actually analyzing a given situation. Also, I'm somewhat paranoid about writing truthfully in this public forum. I have not told Honey of this site, and to my knowledge he does not read it. That being said, he's very computer savvy, and if he's looked at all in the history of our computer, I'm sure he's found it. And? I'm paranoid about it. I've not written anything personal enough about him at this point for him to be upset, but if I did and he saw it, I'm sure it would not sit well.

I'm in a rut. At home. At work. Everywhere. It's almost like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm 33 and have been in my current relationship for over 4 years. Our relationship is like a roller coaster that never ends. Now, personally, I rather enjoy roller coasters, and have never, in my life, gotten sick riding on one. However, the one I'm on right now I'm rather tired of. Of course, it's very easy to say that, but much harder to jump off.

I long for something else, which, sadly, is nothing new. In fact, I believe it's a huge part of my problem. Ever since I was a child I always wanted what someone else had. I didn't want for much, but still it was never good enough. I've always chaulked it up to the fact that it wasn't anything material I really wanted, it was emotional support that I was lacking. I feel like I'm still lacking that emotional support in my current relationship, but at the same time I'm realizing that I really suck at giving it as well.

My vices are getting old. I've smoked since I was 15, mostly cigarettes. Between 1998-2001 I drank rather heavily, but I had gone back to college and after I graduated, I pretty much ended the binge. (ha ha, pun intended) I'm addicted to TV. Despite all the things I know and hate about TV, I continue to flip/watch for hours on end. Despite the fact that I have only 4 channels to choose from, I can
always find something to watch nearly every night.

I started exercising over my lunch hour about 4 weeks ago. I do cardio twice a week and yoga/pilates on Fridays. Since graduating from college, I've pretty much been continuously widening my ass to match the office chair I sit in on the daily. So, I finally decided to do something about it. Of course, there's not been much progress yet. I feel better, somewhat, but there's no difference in weight or inches as far as I can tell (haven't weighed or measured, but based on my clothing). The one thing I have gained since starting the workout plan is very sore muscles. They come and go, but boy, when they're here! I know, I know, no pain, no gain. No other issues with the mid-day workout other than when I'm finished, I come back to work looking like this:I'm going out of town with Honey this weekend to see his family. Normally, I'd be looking forward to it, but this weekend was not the one we'd originally picked out, but circumstances arose that required the trip to be now. Not only that, but we're having difficulty communicating about just about everything this week; case in point:

Me (over IM): you going home for lunch?
Him: not sure yet, why do you ask?
Me: no reason, just wondering. Something you said reminded me you had mentioned the possibility, but you never said for sure.
Him: ???
Me: Not sure what the question is, but will try to answer had mentioned wanting to move the bed this morning before we left, but given time concerns you mentioned you might go home and do it at lunch. Maybe I mis-recall?
Him: Why you ask me if I am going home for lunch?
Me: *slaps self on forehead with palm of hand*

I guess it's just gonna be one of those weekends. *sigh* I hope yours is better!


Viamarie said...

Venting out is a very good way of de-stressing and you don't have to feel guilty. To get you off that kind of feeling, try indulging in other activities that are not straining to your body...singing, needlework, or making a scrapbook.

Hope you'll be feeling better this week.

Malinda777 said...

Writing is proven therapy. It's good for the soul and truly cleansing of thought and mood.

I adopt this practice... when I vent, I say exactly what I want to. I just make sure that when I re-read the final copy of the post that if asked face to face, I would repeat openly to the face of anyone what I had written, and then explain why.

Once you write it, it's said. Then, if confronted, it's like explaining something that was already said a long time ago.

Keep writing, I enjoy reading.