Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Blame Game

Well, Friday was a true dump of a day, and it really just went from bad to worse over the weekend. HOWEVER, I'm not going to waste my carpel tunnels trying to explain all the crap that hit the fan over the weekend. I will just say, it wasn't pretty and most likely wasn't necessary, and that's the way most of the arguments go at home.

So. Sick. Of. Arguing.

I'm usually not a depressed individual, in fact, I'm really rather happy most of the time, at least in public. I do have lots of opinions and find myself making quick judgments of others, sometimes before I have all the facts. It's one of the many qualities in my father that I am trying to shed. Someone told me recently that it's good to recognize those qualities, but, at some point, I have to decide what/who I am going to be. Those qualities that I may have acquired honestly, I can choose not to keep or exude.

I can't tell you how many times I've written down all those qualities that I think I need to rid of myself, crossed them off and replaced them with adjectives I would prefer to display. Yet, they still just simply come out of me. It is not so simple as to just cross them off my list of habitual behaviors.

It requires effort. Forethought. Concern for others' feelings. Compassion and empathy for how my words may sound to others.

At times, that feels/seems like sugar-coating.

Apparently, I have difficulty speaking the truth without being completely condescending and rude. I make others feels stupid and small with the way I phrase questions and comments. Again, this is no surprise, my father is EXACTLY that way. Of course, knowing how his words/actions affect others is easy to see; it's just censoring myself that is not so easy.

When I start talking about my shortcomings, and from whence they came, I start to feel like I'm blaming him. One might even say, I AM blaming him and not taking responsibility for my own actions. If I say, I can't help it, that's who I am, I don't know why I (over)reacted that way, then I can't really say I understand how my words affect others; which is total bollacks because I know EXACTLY how his words and actions have affected me over the years.

And yet, and still, I perpetuate it.

1 comment:

Mrs. Darling said...

I so hear ya! I dont think any one of us are totally free of the rudeness of voicing our unwanted opinions. it's a tall order to cast off the unwanted parts of our character and keep the good. It's a continual struggle.