Friday, June 9, 2006

The Friday Dump

I've had a really hard time of late dealing with all the various stressors in my life. To list a few:

the future of my relationship with Honey
fast-paced changes occurring at work
concerns about my friend in therapy
concerns about my nieces and their mother
concerns about my brother and his future
concerns for my parent's health problems

I wake up irritable at I don't know what. I feel rushed to get things done throughout the work day, many things for which I should not even be responsible. I get down when Honey and I are not on the same page, and he spends much of his day frustrated at me. Sometimes, I know it is my fault, other times I do not feel like it is anyone's fault so much as both of us having a hand in making the situation worse. I come home after work and (want to) do nothing, and many times, simply don't. I smoke too much. I eat/snack too much. I'm watching my waistline expand like balloon inflating, yet have no desire to change any of my (over)eating or (lack of) exercise habits. I chew my fingernails to the bone. See?

I'm tired of this life I'm living. It is fruitless. It is unrewarding. And, as challenging as it is at times, it's really not fun at all. I find that I am losing confidence in myself, which is something I never thought I'd hear myself say. Given the problems Honey and I are having, I wonder if I'll ever be able to make a relationship work. I don't go into all the issues we have on here for several reasons, the predominant of which is because I will probably not do the situation justice, and he will come out sounding like an asshole, and me a patient saint. And, neither of us are either one of those things.

There are things I know I should do:
1. Stop sitting on my ass every afternoon when I get home
2. Turn the friggin television off - at least every now and then
3. Stop smoking like a g-d chimney
4. Call my family and friends more
5. Find a hobby I enjoy doing and do it on a regular basis
6. Practice being kinder, more open/honest, and supportive of Honey
7. Work on being a concerned, caring person, and not a condescending know-it-all
8. Clean the house and for heaven's sake put away the clean laundry
9. Stop defending my own asinine behavior
10. Learn to listen without judgment

HA! Lookey there! 10 things I should work on come out seamlessly, with the exception of spell-checking asinine. Making a list of 10 things I like about myself took like an hour, and I think I probably made a couple of them up just to come up with 10.


I've got anti-anxiety meds I could take, although I've really set those aside and only take them when absolutely, I'm-gonna-lose-my-shit-any-minute necessary. But, I think I may have to reconsider that. In the meantime, I hope to get some rest this weekend, and find a little peace somewhere in the darker reaches of my heart before I come (a little more) unglued.

Shew! Didn't mean to dump, but I sure as hell needed it.

1 comment:

Mrs. Darling said...

I wish you all the best.
It's a good thing to vent. It's a great release and no one is hurt in the process if you blog it.

Praying you will find a calming place in your heart and life.

You read my blog and know how stressed my days are but you know in spite of it all I do thoroughly enjoy my days.

It sounds like you are battling depression. What would be wrong with taking those meds to get you through this rough patch?

Hang in there. You're loved.