Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A New Beginning

January 2011...crazy isn't it? What's crazier is that I, 37, am about to have my second child. Crazier still is the fact that she is due in March, which is the same month my son was born. I've declared that I am, apparently, only fertile in June. Note to self: don't have sex in June anymore!

Not that I don't want any more children, although I really don't, I just don't want to be too old to enjoy them. I'm already at the point where it takes some real effort to stay in shape, maintain a decent (average...okay, slightly above average) weight, and have enough energy to enjoy spending time w/ my husband and son after working all day long. It will be interesting to see how I manage it all when the second one gets here.

It's been a relatively easy pregnancy in some ways, and a very difficult one in others. By all accounts very different than my last. Despite the fact that we must've done something to get pregnant, Hubby and I were not on the best of terms when we actually found out I was pregnant. I was sick as a friggin' dog, morning noon and night, for the first 15 weeks and was very moody and attitudinal. Hubby kept asking me what was wrong, and I just wanted to stick a fork in his eye, because OBVIOUSLY, I felt like shit! HELLO?!! He felt he was trying to be empathetic, and I felt like he should already know what was wrong, and do something! Or, at least, ask me something else...i.e. is there anything I can do, babe? would you like me to cook dinner tonight? how about a back rub? Anything! Except, what's wrong? again.

So, for months we barely spoke. It sucked. My attitude ignited his attitude, which turned up the heat on my attitude. It was a vicious cycle to the point where we could barely look at each other, much less have a conversation about darn near anything. Our son, 3, surely felt the effects of it, but Hubby and I did our best to keep the arguing to a minimum in front of him. It didn't always happen, but we did try; and we always made sure that our attitude with each other did not get taken out on him.

Finally, we tried to discuss all that had been building between us. We did manage to make some progress, but even to this day things are not exactly perfect between us. Of course, it's always kind of been like that with us...just not on the same page all the time. Both wanting our way. Power struggles, etc. I love him with all my heart, and wouldn't know what to do without him. He's an absolutely adoring father, and I am grateful all he does for us. He always, without fail, puts us first. Still, our communication has some serious barriers that, even with time - 10 years almost - we have not been able to break down completely. Just when we think it's gotten better, bricks start falling out of the sky.

We are, of course, very different people, but we should still be able to respect and support one another at any given time. I know that I do not always do this. I am, at times, very critical...even though I believe I say things in an attempt to be helpful, it just doesn't come across that way. Hubby, too, is quite critical, and I know he is trying to be helpful as well. It's just both of us have difficulty hearing criticism as help, and we fight back as if we are at war.

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